West of Somewhere

Hot N Cold

So, I’ve been thinking, and writing blogs like this. Am I hot and then cold? (Listening to this song has put me in a thinking mode, strange I know.) But really, the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. I mean, the only people I have really strong feelings for are unattainable in some way. And I’m pretty sure that’s always in the back of my mind. Like it’s safe to go there because there is no chance of it working out. But that’s not what I’m thinking consciencely.

I don’t know, it’s confusing. I want to be happy, but it’s almost like I won’t let myself. Either that, or I’m only in it for the chase. Well, I know for a fact that last year it wasn’t only about the chase, but that might have been a large part of it. I have no idea what I would have done it I had gotten what I wanted. That’s a scary thought.

But I really really don’t want to be alone. I’m most certainly not afraid of the physical things that come with a relationship, but what about the emotional factor? I can honestly say that I have never been in an equal and meaningful relationship with anyone. They like me more, I like them and we’re not even dating. I don’t know what it’s like to get them. To get the person you really want. I’ve gotten people I thought I had wanted. And once I had them I realized I never really wanted them in the first place.

There is no balance. The only relationship that I’ve had where I honestly wanted to be there, the whole time I was there, and the guy broke up with me. Well that sucks.

I don’t trust myself. I confuse myself. And I’m afraid I’ve been hurting some others along the way. This is not something I want or am trying to do, but it’s happening. The really sucky thing is it hurts me too.

Emotional stability is a goal of mine. I wonder if I’ll get there. No, I take that back. I’ve been pretty emotionally stable since December. Kind of. Maybe just happy. Not neutral. I’ve been neutral. I need some spice in my life. And not just a chase. I want that relationship. You know, where the two people love each other, and on the same level. Maybe that’s too much to ask. But it’s not too much to hope for.

Look At The Mess I’m Making

Oh, God. What am I doing here? Seriously? Do I have no self control? I’m the bad person here. I am. I’ve never been the bad person before.

Why can’t things be simple? Live fucking closer. Like me. Do you like me? You seem to like you like me. I really really want you to like me. Don’t tease. I know you like me. I need to learn to not tease. I need to learn to not question myself so much. I need to have answers, but I’m not sure I can ask the questions.

I feel like of done this before. This is so confusing. You’re driving me crazy.

Happy Birthday Buddy

I love you a bunch. Happy 17th. :]

Hotter Than The Sun

Wowsers. The past couple of days have been so busy. My Thursday was super busy. Like, you don’t even know (or you do because I’ve told you.) Either way, I’m not going to talk about it again here. Because really, why?

My Friday was fun fun fun. Well, not the school part, but other than that, it was great. After school, I went to the Grape Festival with Beau and Kayla. When we got there, we met up with Clara and Sam (the girl). It was a bunch of fun. I love those silly little rides. What can I say, I’m a thrill seeker. :]

I made Beau go on the Crazy Train with me. Not such a good idea. Beau-Tie threw up on the ride. Ouch. Yeah, he had to go home and change. I feel bad. But he did come back. And that’s the good part.

Erin and Zyania were there too. That was fun stuff.

Oh, when I went on the swings with Beau and Clara (separate times) I made them pretend they were flying around on brooms, because that’s as close as we’re ever going to get. And I have to say, it was awesome. 

Erin took me home, because she’s awesome. Thanks!

On Saturday, I had to go to this work picnic for my dad. I took Baby Beau Benko with me. Then we went to Borders, then Jamba Juice. I love Jamba. Beau and I did wheat grass shots. I will never ever to that again. It was nasty. Yuck. Beau had the half of my shot I didn’t drink.

After we got back into Lodi, Beau and I went to my house and had a good talk (mostly not about school. YAY!) I really enjoyed that. I love Beau a bunch. We dropped him off at his house because his sister was home for a while, so he got to see her. :]

Later that evening I went to dinner with my parents. That was nice. Our waitress looked like Tristan Prettyman and smelled really good. I want to ask her what she was wearing, but decided that would be too weird. I’ll just have to go look for it…

At around, 8:30, I went to the Grape Festival… again. Amanda and Jamesy were there and I went to hang out with them. After about an hour, I wanted to go find Justin and Trav because I knew they would be there. We found Justin. YAY! And he was with Sam and some other people. We found Trav a little while later. :]

Well, here is the interesting part. Our group of friends thought it would be good if we all started touching each other in more than friendly ways. That was awesome.

I saw Hailey for like, three seconds. I love that bitch.

I spent a lot of time with Sam. That was really cool. I like Sam a lot. :] He gave me some of his tickets and we went on the faris wheel. We yelled at our friends on the ground. And then we were grossed out by Gabby and Luis making out behind us. And we kissed… a few times. :] Now that was definitely the highlight of my night.  

Now today, Sunday, hasn’t been that busy at all. I haven’t left my house. It feels good to slow down for a bit. I got to read a lot and I talked to Richard. That made me very happy. And now I’m texting Sam. I think this weekend was good.