West of Somewhere

I Want You To Want Me

The prospect of New Mexico is one that has been weighing heavily on my mind. For all of you are uninformed, I’m going to New Mexico this summer. At least, I hope I am. There are so many things to consider. Some of which, I would rather not talk about. Others are so obvious they’re hardly worth typing. Most will be stated in this blog.

New Mexico is not a place I have ever had any real interest in. Well, that statement was true up until about 11 months ago. Alyssa came into my life and BAM! I was very curious as to what Albuquerque had to offer. It started as mild friendship. That quickly dissipated into talking everyday. Not so mild. She was fun to talk to. I found myself looking forward to her messages more and more. Then it hit me; I totally had a crush on her.

Summer came, and she went away to camp. She was out of the picture. Very little contact for two months. Sad pandas, man. In this time I got to know some new people. Fell into like with people I could touch; a boy at that. I was acting “normal.” Whatever. But then she was back. Okay, it may have taken awhile to get back into the swing of things. Yeah, we talked, but it was different.

One day I got a text. Hey, look who it was from. Alyssa. And apparently she missed me terribly. I missed her too. This is around the time when things were kicked into a higher gear. We made a shift. More talking. Lot’s and lot’s of talking. High phone bills on my end. Happy me too. Fun times. Then I got unlimited texting. Thank God. That helped me out in so many ways. iChat is also a good friend of ours.

Around October, a bit before that, I felt guilty, guilty, guilty. I was kind of having a thing with Sam. We had started something over the summer, but it hadn’t worked out then. This time around I felt like a cheater. The funny thing is, I’m not sure who I felt like I was cheating on. I wasn’t “with” Sam, and Alyssa and I so didn’t count as a relationship. Flirty friendship, sure, nothing to feel guilty about. But this doesn’t change the fact that I did. To me, a choice had to be made; I could alter my friendship with Alyssa or I could not date Sam. I picked Alyssa. It would have been nearly impossible to change my behavior with her at that point. And I didn’t much want to.

A couple of months passed in the same manner. Large amounts of talking in various formats. Every single day. What can I say? I liked the girl. Just so everyone is clear, I wasn’t just attracted… romantically. She’s an awesome friend. She’s not perfect, and I had no misconceptions about this. I mean, she likes hot weather. Come on now. The point is, I liked her. In all the important ways.

Recently I have let myself sink even more. The abyss is deep. I’ll never be able to get out at this rate. I’m making plans. I have plans. I’m going to New Mexico. I want to go to New Mexico. My summer is being shifted and moved and planned from seven months away. Jumping the gun? I think not. Being realistic? Yes. If I honestly want a shot at pulling this off, I need to start planning now. And I am. I wish I could plan a trip to see her like I could with any of my other friends; by calling and asking if I could come over and show up a half an hour later.

I’ve done the first part. Hopefully I’ll be showing up seven months later.