West of Somewhere

Pride 09

I had bunches of fun. :]

Can I Just Hold Onto You Tonight?

Every once in a while I have to write this blog where I bitch about being lonely. So here it is. I am oh so single. Let’s get the facts straight; I’ve been single since 2006. No fucking joke. It’s 2009 now. Yeah, how about I go and bash my head into a wall? But to give myself some credit, I haven’t always been this single. That wasn’t very clear, now is it? Let me try to explain. I haven’t been in an official relationship since the summer of 2006, but since then there has been love, heartbreak, flingish type things, and almost relationships.

After I broke up with Justin (my last boyfriend from way back when,) I had a… flingish type thing with Alex. If you can call it that. Seeing someone maybe once a month (or less) for a few months (like 8 ) and not doing a whole lot of talking = flingish type thing. Not a lot of emotion went on there. I also had a mild crush on Ben Anderson (yes, Amanda’s brother, but this was before I met her.) Then there was the Bitch v1. We had our very teasing friendship. She turned out to be not very nice at all, and I had my heart broken into itty bitty pieces. I’m totally over that now. No, seriously, I am. :] After that it took a long time for something to come along. I mean, I had a crush on a kid named Alec and I went on a horrible date with Steven. But that whole time I was so not okay. Still in the recovery stages of Broken Heart #1. By the time I got over that it was the summer of 2008 already. That’s when Sam came along. Except not really. I’ve know Sam since 2006 (he’s Justin’s bestie.) But this is when I started to really talk to Sam. He was in a failing relationship at the time, and it was just too soon to jump into anything. I was single (and really busy) all summer. I didn’t mind then. I started talking to Sam again in September. We went to see a movie and had a few goodnight kisses (and a few on a faris wheel.) I really really liked Sam. He was my closest almost relationship. In an amazingly sweet gesture, he told me very clearly that he wanted to be with me and was willing to work through all the difficulties our relationship would have. (Sam had just started going to school at Fresno State, so there was some major distance there.) Meanwhile, I had budding and pretty intense feelings for Alyssa (in NM.) I had always kind of had a mild crush on her. But this was picking up speed fast. I had never experienced conflicting emotions like that before. I’m a one at a time kind of girl. I ended up turning down a relationship with Sam because I was unwilling to give up my flirty friendship with Alyssa. After that my growing crush… kept growing. I desperately wanted to see her. Long distance crushes aren’t much fun. I was in constant contact with her for a time. I was very serious about seeing her this summer. (As you may know, that didn’t work out.) But eventually the attachment or whatever tapered off. One-sided for awhile, but I eventually followed. Now it’s a pretty much a friend only friendship. Which is fine. Oh and along the way there have been those that have had feelings for me, but they weren’t returned for one reason or another. None of those are lurking about right now. Well, as far as I know.

Now I am completely and totally single. With whores throwing themselves at me. Seriously. I’m not that desperate. But it has been three years since I have been anyone’s girlfriend. I am very much looking to get into a relationship. I do have a habit of tricking myself though. I’ll make myself think I like someone. Get close and then pull away because, as it turns out, I’m not really interested. Horrible horrible habit of mine. I would never be able to cheat on anyone though. I really don’t think I would be able to. And I know everyone says that, but trust me, I just can’t. So do those thing balance out? I don’t know. Everyone has their good and bad.

Back to my bitching, I would just appreciate it if someone would kiss me. I enjoy kisses and hugs quite a bit. But I don’t want just a kiss. I want emotion. That is much harder to find. Yeah, I may enjoy being single from time to time. But I am more than ready to be done with it for a while. Don’t worry, I’m not looking to get married anytime soon.

To Far Off Destinations

I miss the intimacy of your arms around me. Long for the promise of being closer to you, baby. Your familiar weight is nothing I can replace. Yet you’re still a phantom my heart creates. Nothing but a girl in a far off distant place. So much for the ease of lazy summer days.

Surprisingly, this wasn’t written for the obvious. Or really, anyone in particular. It’s written about everyone I’ve had any kind of romantic contact (or lack of contact with.) It’s an accumulation of everyone’s imprint on my current thoughts. Certain lines about specific people. Others are overlapping. It’s vague. Not a poem or lyrics. It just… is.

Legal

So, I’m 18 now. How freaking cool is that? I can go to big kid jail! Okay, that’s not so cool. I can also by cigarettes and porn! Umm… also not that exciting. I can go clubbing! Now that one is cool. Anywho, I’ve been 18 for a whole week now, and I’m finding it pretty liberating. If only in my mind.

I shall tell you about my party, yes? Well, it really started on Saturday, the day before my birthday, at Mandy’s grad party. I picked up Beau and we went to her party. We stayed for a few hours, but then it was time to depart. Baby Beau and I went over to his house for a bit, then we made our way over to Target. Beau proceeded to buy my present. He showed me his two options. Battlestar Galactica seasons 2 and 2.5 or this really cool 3 foot wide Star Wars kite. Beau is a smart boy, because I show him BSG pretty much every time we’re at Target, and I’m also StarWarsKate. So he knows how much I love Star Wars. There was a lot of debate; I wouldn’t tell him which one to get. Honestly, I liked them both. He went with BSG, which was perfectly fine from me. When we were there Richard called me to wish me a happy birthday at 9:00 (midnight on the east coast.) And told me that I had a MySpace message waiting for me. Which was lovely. :]

After Target, Beau decided that he wanted to spend the night at my house. Which was fine. So I called Travis. And he started packing too. I drove Beau back to his house so he could get his stuff together. He packed soooo much. Because he was going to be spending two nights (Travis too.) So a half an hour later and we were out of there. Travis was ready to go when we got there, so no waiting on that end. On the way back Travis wanted Burger King, but they blocked off the road to get there. Jerks. So he got Carl’s Jr. I was afraid he was going to get it all over my backseat because he kept telling me that he ate like Justin when he is in cars. Scary thought.

We got back to my house a few minutes before 11:00. At 11:00 Alyssa called me because it was midnight at her house. Good friends, eh? And I talked to her for about an hour. Then Mari beeped in a midnight my time and Alyssa called on Travis’ phone. They were both on speaker. What a mess. But it was fun. :]

After the phone calls Travis, Beau, and I watched D.E.B.S. except Beau fell asleep. So I turned it off at 1:30 and we all went sleepy time.

I hate boys. They woke me up in the morning and then took pictures of me. That was mostly Beau. Mean boy. After we were up we hung up my posters. Travis was very helpful. Beau isn’t very patient. And posters are very important to me. I take my time. So yeah… When the posters were done we went outside and helped set up the tables and chairs.

It was a black and white themed party, so we changed. And then family members of mine started showing up at 1:00. That’s when my mom told them to come. I told my friends 2:00. *Rolls eyes* Whatever. Clara showed up right at 2:00. Very prompt. Soon after that we started eating. And that was yummy. My dad made burgers. A little after 2:00 Amanda and Zyania decided to grace us with there presence. :] More food. Good times.

I asked my dad if he would make me the cake he made me last year. He did. And it was wonderful. Three layers of amazing chocolate cake topped with homemade buttercream frosting. Sooooo good. And the family members sang Happy Birthday to me. *Pats their heads*

Somewhere in there I opened presents. I got an Urban Outfitters gift card from Clara, a Wall-E blanket from Amanda (along with my stuff I asked to have back,) A thong, bra, bar of white chocolate, and two cherries from Z, and flowers from David! They came right during my party. Perfect timing. They’re very pretty.

The kiddies and I just played in my room. Cuddled a bit. Took silly pictures. A few short videos. Yeah. Clara had to leave at 5:00. Sad pandas. After she left we watched D.E.B.S. Well, the rest of it. Travis took a nap. He’s already seen it. I <3 that movie. Don't judge me.

After the movie we all piled into the truck and I drove us to Old Sac. We went to Evangeline's. I love that store. So fun. Amanda and I went into the 18+ corner. Because we can. It was funny. A lot of penis stuff though. :p

We briefly went to a candy store and had free samples. That was good. But soon after we left and went to Joe's Crab Shack. Yummy yummy yummy. It was a lot of fun. I even stuck my head in a bowl of whipped cream (see video below for details.) Joe's was just a really good time. We left in a hurry though, because Zyania's dad was waiting for her and Amanda at my house.

When they left Travis, Beau, and I decided that we were going to go see Up in 3D. It was awesome. So adorable. Seriously. The small mailman is sooooooooooooo cute. So cute.

The movie got out at 12:30 (officially not my birthday anymore,) and we went over to IHOP. Beau got chocolate pancakes with hot chocolate. *Facepalm* He spent a good amount of time bitching about how he wanted water. We also studied this person in another booth. We were trying to figure out if they were a guy or a girl. There was a lot of back and forth. We cheated and looked to see what bathroom they came out of. It was a guy. We were kind of right. :] We also speculated that the two waitresses didn't like each other. We thought ours was the nicer of the two though.

When we got back to my house it was sleepy time. So we slept. :]

We woke up at 11:30-ish the next morning. We ate like little piggies. Took showers. Then headed off to the mall. I had an Urban gift card to spend. It turns out there was something wrong with the card, but Clara gave me the receipt, so it's being fixed. Then we got food in the food court. Travis and Beau got Carl's Jr. and I got Panda. Yummy.

The drive back to Lodi was kind of annoying. Traffic. But it wasn't too too bad. We went over to Beau's house. I don't know where Beau went, but Travis and I talked to his dad for like 20 minutes. But then it was time to leave. So we said bye to Beau and drove over to Travis' house. I stayed there for a bit. But mommy called and said it was time to come home. When I got there I saw that I had a package from David. It made me all Happy. He gave me Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, hardcover, children's edition. FROM ENGLAND. How cool is that? :] Also granted me with my sci fi to watch; Firefly. Which I have been told many times that I would like. And candy. I like chocolate. A lot. *Rubs tummy*

And then my part was officially over. I had an amazing time. <3

There is a typo. BSG* not GSG. I don’t know what GSG is. :]

So… Umm…

My birthday is on Sunday.
:]