West of Somewhere

Are You Down?

I enjoyed this. Down was a popular word this year, wasn’t it?

I Awoke Only To Find My Lungs Empty

This is a list of some of my most played songs in December.

How depressing is It’s Not Over by Secondhand Serenade? I’ve always thought it was sad pandas. That guy writes really really emo music. For serious. Tears = razor blades = emo. But I still like it. Don’t judge me.

The Haunting by Anberlin will forever own my soul for the line, “Just want your heartbeat on top of mine.” Gah. *Hugs song*

Tristan Prettyman gets me. We’re getting married (she doesn’t know it yet.) Interviews. <3

Sleeping Sickness. Oh City and Colour. You help me so.

Wake Up Exhausted might be my favorite Tegan and Sara song. Well, maybe not. Either way I love it.

Collect Call. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say about this song. It just fits me so well.

Anything by Lady Gaga because she makes me happy as hell so happy I could die. :]

They Said I Should Stick To The Plan

So, I’ve been busy. Like, really busy. And I think I’m okay. Yay? :]

Honesty And Emotion

You hear the cracking just before it shatters. After that “I love you,” feels like a puzzle that can’t be solved and, “I love you too,” feels like defeat. You can’t go back, but you’re afraid to move forward. All you know is that you hate where you are. Broken heart? Good luck.

Poison, Inject Me Baby

LOL, I seriously had to tell someone yesterday, “Yeah, I’m not ready for a relationship.” Goodness, girls.

I’m confused. But, whatever. It’s a confusing time. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just a time of clarity and it’s throwing me the fuck off. That’s much more likely.

On a brighter note, it no longer feels like a one ton giant is standing on my chest all the time. He’s lost weight. *Claps* However, he hasn’t found anywhere else to stand.

I’m talking to Alyssa. That makes me happy. Because well, she’s important to me. Even without all those romantic feelings. I know most (if not all) of you think this is really not the way to go about things. But the first few days were such a slap in the face. I honestly think it’s better like this. I don’t want to lose my friend. Because that felt fucking awful.

I’m not even going to lie, emo music isn’t really what I’ve been listening to it. It’s been Lady GaGa. She helps me, OKAY?! (And maybe some emo music too.)

At Least The Pain Will Pass

So, for a while (a day) I though I was getting better. Like, significantly.  That was just wishful thinking. This is such shit. The whole thing. It made finals week hell and finals made this whole mess worse. I’m a mess. I have absolutely no idea what to do to make it better. I haven’t decided if talking to Alyssa makes it better or worse. It’s a band-aid. Basically, I hate my life right now. This is the worst holiday season I can remember having. This is my favorite time of the year, finals are over, and I have a car. Instead of having fun times, I’m laying in my bed not doing anything because I can’t muster the fucking desire.

I was always set up for this ending. Expecting it. I mean, I was afraid and worried. For good reason I guess. Somehow I never expected to feel quite like this.

I’ve said before that I wait for the end to check the true strength of my feelings. Well, I guess we know.

Je T’aime, Je T’aime

L’amour est douloureux, oui? Oui. J’ai le coeur brisé. Mais, j’adore l’amour.

Feeling Short Of Stable

iTunes shuffle is mocking me. Miserable at Best just started. I don’t think listening to a song that starts with, “Katie, don’t cry, I know, you’re trying your hardest. And the hardest part is letting go…” is what I need to hear right now. So, SCREW YOU iTUNES. Anyway, other than that, I feel like I have a very large weight pressing on my chest. All the time. Hopefully that goes away soon.

And it’s finals week. Oh joy! So, I’m super stressed out. Because I get this way. And some of them are going to be difficult and count a lot towards my grade. Wonderful.

I pretty much have a stomach ache constantly. I’m surprised that I haven’t had any serious headaches yet. Because I haven’t been sleeping well plus the stress and not eating. I’m not going to complain though.

I had lunch with my daddy-o. It was nice. But if he asks me, “Are you alright, kiddo?” one more time I will seriously burst into tears. My dad and I don’t really talk about emotional things often. So, the fact that he’s noticed and brought it up is a sign that I look like shit.

Today was a lot better than yesterday. That’s good news.

In Too Far

I feel sick and I need a hug.

Highlights from last night:

-Tiffani’s Christmas Party.

-Seeing Amanda.

-Watching Justin flirt.

-Hanging out with Beau and Travis after most people left.

Fucking disasters from last night:

-Phone call number one.

-Phone call number two.

-Phone call number three.

-Crying in the rain.

-Collapsing in Travis’ room and having a complete breakdown.

-Not sleeping.

Fucking disasters from today:

-Telling Travis and Beau what the hell was going on.

-Trying to eat and then feeling sick.

-Crying while driving on the freeway in the rain.

-Breaking down in front of my mother.

-Not being able to concentrate on really important homework that’s due tomorrow.

-Wanting to talk to Alyssa but feeling like I can’t.

Highlights from today:

-Realizing that apart of me wanted this.

-Realizing that the world sucks, but I’ll be okay.

-Showers make everything better.

People Don’t Change

So, I stole this idea from… somewhere. I’m going through every month in 2009 and picking out my favorite post titles. :]

January: Don’t Bleed On My Bed (Srsly, just LOL.)

February: I Think You Are Soo Hot

March: Like You’ve Been On My Mind

April: Common Reaction

May: Pictures Of You

June: To Far Off Destinations

July: I’m Doing The Great Fucking Northern Run (I really posted a lot in July, this month was hard to pick from.)

August: These Girls Fall Like Dominos

September: Well Maybe I’m Not Able

October: The Last Time, I’m Thinking Of The First Time

November: You’re Covered With My Hands Tonight

December: Pull Me Out Alive