West of Somewhere

I’m Waiting For Another Repeat

I’ve been thinking. That kind of self-deprecating, I’m a horrible person, how could anyone ever like me kind of thinking. I don’t think I could be more insecure if I tried. I mean, honestly. I just want to get my shit together. I want to be happy. I want to be happy without waves of anxiety. I just don’t know how to do that. Everything is always worse when I’m alone. When I have time to think myself into more and more stress. When I don’t have support or reality checks.  It doesn’t help me at all that I fucking hate myself when I get like this. It’s weak. There isn’t a better way to put it. I’m self-involved and snappish. It bothers me. I’m happy and then sad, confident and then completely unsure. I’m sick of me. I can’t imagine how the rest of you feel. (By the way, this blog is a perfect example of everything about myself that is bothering me. What. The. Fuck. I’m going to stop now.)

Turn The Volume Up

Alyssa Hedrich made me cry yesterday. But it’s okay, it was with an absolutely gorgeous song.

Stitched back up by Wisconsin Derby Mudflap

I Just Want That Key To Your Head

Yay! I bought the tickets for Travis and myself for the Tegan and Sara show. Sweet. I’m really looking forward to it because, duh, Tegan and Sara! But also because Alyssa is going too! Happy pandas. So as of right now it’ll be Alyssa, Travis, Juan, et moi. Hopefully Beau can come too, because that would be awesome. I think March is going to be a good month. Too bad it’s January.

As If Death Itself Was Undone

I’m not happy. I’m apprehensive. I’m nervous. I have a general lack of trust with the world right now. The only thing that I know for sure is that I don’t feel the same way I did a month ago. Things have changed. I went on an emotional roller coaster, and I’m very much not the same as I was when I got on. I don’t like how I feel now. I’m waiting to snap out of it. I’m meaner than I was before. I think of little other than how I feel. And I’m just… blah. I’m trying to not let it show, because that wouldn’t be good for anyone. Sorry friends. *Hug*

Fated to Pretend

Lying, lying, lying. Why am I so good at lying?

Stay Where I Can See You

I’m going to blog about the best and worst months of 2009. Hopefully this goes the way I want it to.

My best month was July for sure. On the first I went to Club 21. That was super fun times. :] I’m having a hard time remembering what I did on the fourth. Honestly, I’m blanking. Oh well. I’m pretty sure I went to Lodi. I can’t imagine what else I would have done. This was also the month when I read Trans for the first time and started reading Either/Or. Beau, Travis, Juan and I went to San Francisco. I had a really good time with them. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was released. Other than the sunburn and slight sense of depression, it was awesome. Although I could have done without the heat and a better movie. That doesn’t actually sound like much fun at all, does it? Well it was. Then David was here and suddenly I was at Azkatraz. <3 Fandom. The only think that would have made that better would have been a working phone charger and perhaps so free internet. Then there was hangout time with David. I love that guy. Oh! And Mari and her family came for the last weekend. It was a really good way to end things.

The worst month was December. By far. I kicked it off by writing the final draft of my senior project paper. The whole month I was feeling pressure from school. That’s never fun. The 13th onward was pretty much hell. School was fucking horrible. Finals can go and die. I was a kind of really emotionally distressed, and it was just… bad. I looked bad and I felt bad and some of my friends were treating me like I was going to break when they were around me. Luckily it didn’t stay like that. But even after it was better I was pretty apathetic about everything. (It feels weird writing about this like it was a long time ago, it was like, last week.) New Years Eve was okay. I was feeling pretty sad pandas right before twelve, but I snapped out of it a bit. I kicked off the new year smiling. That’s what counts right?

The Whole World Is Moving And I’m Standing Still

The past few days have made me realize just how much I am not interested in anyone else. Not even Alyssa’s “greatest competition.” So… that changes nothing. Pointless post.