West of Somewhere

Wishing You Could Keep Me Closer

I’ve been noticing that there are a lot of songs about distance; distance being a problem in people’s lives. I completely agree with this notion. Some extremely important people are very far away. Moving east I have: Mari, Alyssa, Becca, Richard, and David. And they are only the REALLY important ones. I have people scattered all over. It’s freaking absurd. I would just like to be much much closer to everyone. That’s would be wonderful. Let’s all work on that, yeah? Because I love you, and it’s so unfair that you live far away.

Death Cab says it the best (of course they do.) Click Here!

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There’d be no distance that could hold us back.

Like You’ve Been On My Mind

The worst breakups I have had weren’t really breakups at all. There have been two. Two really bad ones. And they were both just friends. One more of a friend then the other.

The first one totally and completely smashed my heart. The Bitch v1. Utterly wrecked me. For months and months and months. It was horrible. In the beginning there was confusion and desperation. That later progressed into just plain sadness. Stabbing, aching, sadness. It sounds awful, because it was, but I like to think that it’s made me a more well rounded person. I have a song for this break up; The Runaways- Anberlin.

The second one was much different. He was strictly a friend. Granted, my best friend, but no romantic emotions involved there. I knew we were drifting. I had felt it for awhile. And I ignored it. He was my best friend. I ridiculously thought that we would just stay that way without any effort. When he got a new best friend and hung out with her all the time, well, that’s when it hit me. I was… heart broken. Someone was replacing me. It was a devastating feeling.

So, I went over to see him. I decided that we were going to have, “the talk.” I don’t know what I was expecting, but he pretty much said what I knew. We were drifting. But then he added that he didn’t see us going back to the way we were. I cried; right in front of him. That was only the second time he had ever seen me cry (the first time I was in physical pain.) He didn’t see us getting fixed. *Shakes head* We moved on and hung out for a few hours after that, but when I got home I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I had never cried so much in one sitting. It was the worst feeling. I felt as though my longest relationship ever was over. The talk had just made it final. The crying lasted for a good 45 minutes and then I sulked for the rest of the night. That’s what real love does to you. This “breakup” confirmed how much I loved him. Not that it needed conformation. I knew.

Luckily, over the past few months we’ve been building our relationship back up. And even if we aren’t what we used to be, we’re something good. We got back together. And I need my Travis. I clearly do not do well without him. The song I have for this breakup is Hello by Schuyler Fisk.

Hello…

So, one year ago today, Alyssa Hedrich sent me a message on MySpace. I’m very happy that she did. She also excepted my friend request. She did a lot of good things. Lyssa’s a smart cookie.

In the year that I have known her, we have talked a lot. Like, seriously, a lot. Which is another thing I am happy about. (A perfect example! I had to stop typing for a moment because she texted me.) I’m just a happy person. And I can thank her for a lot of that too.

It is no secret that I have a huge crush on this girl. (And if you didn’t know, I do.) Luckily for me, she hasn’t run away screaming. :]

This may be a bit redundant since I just wrote a blog down there *points down* all about how I’m going to see her and our history in general. But I have been talking to her for a year. A whole year. In a lot of ways it seems like longer to me. No, pretty much in every way. It’s strange.

Alyssa is very much a large part of my life. If you cut her out, I would have hours that I wouldn’t know what to do with, and no need for unlimited texting. She couldn’t be more involved in my life without living in my state. I wish she did, but that’s beside the point. She’s important. Hugely so.

And this girl that I met on MySpace because I thought she was cute, has now know me for a year. It doesn’t look like she plans on ditching me anytime soon. This is good news.

So Alyssa, happy one year. I love you. :]

I Want You To Want Me

The prospect of New Mexico is one that has been weighing heavily on my mind. For all of you are uninformed, I’m going to New Mexico this summer. At least, I hope I am. There are so many things to consider. Some of which, I would rather not talk about. Others are so obvious they’re hardly worth typing. Most will be stated in this blog.

New Mexico is not a place I have ever had any real interest in. Well, that statement was true up until about 11 months ago. Alyssa came into my life and BAM! I was very curious as to what Albuquerque had to offer. It started as mild friendship. That quickly dissipated into talking everyday. Not so mild. She was fun to talk to. I found myself looking forward to her messages more and more. Then it hit me; I totally had a crush on her.

Summer came, and she went away to camp. She was out of the picture. Very little contact for two months. Sad pandas, man. In this time I got to know some new people. Fell into like with people I could touch; a boy at that. I was acting “normal.” Whatever. But then she was back. Okay, it may have taken awhile to get back into the swing of things. Yeah, we talked, but it was different.

One day I got a text. Hey, look who it was from. Alyssa. And apparently she missed me terribly. I missed her too. This is around the time when things were kicked into a higher gear. We made a shift. More talking. Lot’s and lot’s of talking. High phone bills on my end. Happy me too. Fun times. Then I got unlimited texting. Thank God. That helped me out in so many ways. iChat is also a good friend of ours.

Around October, a bit before that, I felt guilty, guilty, guilty. I was kind of having a thing with Sam. We had started something over the summer, but it hadn’t worked out then. This time around I felt like a cheater. The funny thing is, I’m not sure who I felt like I was cheating on. I wasn’t “with” Sam, and Alyssa and I so didn’t count as a relationship. Flirty friendship, sure, nothing to feel guilty about. But this doesn’t change the fact that I did. To me, a choice had to be made; I could alter my friendship with Alyssa or I could not date Sam. I picked Alyssa. It would have been nearly impossible to change my behavior with her at that point. And I didn’t much want to.

A couple of months passed in the same manner. Large amounts of talking in various formats. Every single day. What can I say? I liked the girl. Just so everyone is clear, I wasn’t just attracted… romantically. She’s an awesome friend. She’s not perfect, and I had no misconceptions about this. I mean, she likes hot weather. Come on now. The point is, I liked her. In all the important ways.

Recently I have let myself sink even more. The abyss is deep. I’ll never be able to get out at this rate. I’m making plans. I have plans. I’m going to New Mexico. I want to go to New Mexico. My summer is being shifted and moved and planned from seven months away. Jumping the gun? I think not. Being realistic? Yes. If I honestly want a shot at pulling this off, I need to start planning now. And I am. I wish I could plan a trip to see her like I could with any of my other friends; by calling and asking if I could come over and show up a half an hour later.

I’ve done the first part. Hopefully I’ll be showing up seven months later.